Monday Mailbag: Smoke ‘Em If Ya Got ‘Em Edition

by | Jun 12, 2017

With apologies to Coolio:

You better watch how you talkin’ and where you walkin’
Or you and your homies might be lined in chalk
I really hate to trip, but I gotta loc
As they croak, I see myself in the pistol smoke.

The Mailbag is…as always, satire, fueled by a healthy dollop of truth. It’s up to you to determine the difference.

“Before you start sending smoke signals and hidden messages in your weekly Mailbag column, I want to take one more opportunity to deliver value for Richard Corcoran by naming him a big winner for the second time in a month.” –Peter Schorsch

“Speaking of big winners in the special session, we don’t like to brag, but we passed marijuana legislation without allowing smoking.” –Sen. Rob Bradley and Rep. Ray Rodrigues

I’m still going to smoke you clowns in court for not letting pain sufferers smoke.” –John Morgan, of Morgan and Morgan

“Speaking of smoking and big winners, I’d have won Master Chef if they just let me smoke some ribs.” –Josh Cooper

“I like to smoke a good cigar while debating policy with my good friends Jose Oliva and Pitbull. But I especially like smoking Joe Negron.” Richard Corcoran

That smoke-blower Corcoran didn’t mean it like that, people. Get your minds out of the gutter.” –Joe Negron

I’m not a smoker, but even the Miami Herald admitted I smoked the legislature in special session and got the money I originally wanted for Visit Florida and EFI.” Rick Scott

Speaking of Rick Scott, I need to make sure all my donors see this piece about how my Senate seat is about to go up in smoke.” Bill Nelson

When it comes to rumors about me running for governor, where there’s smoke, there’s fire.” –Ron DeSantis

When it comes to rumors about me running for Ag Commissioner, where there’s smoke, there’s a river of liquid hot magma burning down anything in it’s path.” –Baxter Troutman

“I don’t want to get smoked in the Ag Commissioner race, so I’m gonna need $2 million bucks, fast. Anyone got any ideas?” –Matt Caldwell

“Maybe we can pool our money?” –Denise Grimsley

“I’m not blowing smoke when I say I’m not afraid to sling some mud  because I have nothing to lose…er…well, except for that $120k of my own money I dumped into my campaign. Aw, crap.”  Paul Paulson

“Can you believe all the smoke and mirrors pertaining to the rules in the 2022 House Leadership Race?” –Randy Fine

 “I’m just glad the 2022 House Leadership Race will be done by secret ballot, so none of the candidates will smoke out who I actually voted for.” –Jayer Williamson

“Why the smokescreen? Everyone knows your voting for me, Jayer.” Jamie Grant

If Jamie Grant honestly believes that, he’s smoking something.” –Paul Renner

“No matter who wins, when it’s over, we all need to sit down and smoke the peace pipe.” –Frank White

“If Governor Scott doesn’t call me soon, I think my chances of being appointed CFO will go up in smoke.” –Pat Neal

I’m saving a special cigar to smoke when I’m finally appointed to the job Pat Neal thinks he’s getting.” Jimmy Patronis

*All real emails from real readers are ringed in bright red smoke so that anyone who isn’t smoking crack can tell the difference between satire and cutting edge political intelligence.


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