The Russians are coming! Fake news cost Hillary the election! The polar ice caps are melting! Trump is Hitler!
Nobody does fake news better than the Monday Mailbag, where we publish Real* Emails from Real* Readers even if it means some people may be offended.
Note: Persons of consequence who wish to be considered for inclusion in The Capitolist may submit their real* emails to firstname.lastname@example.org.
And now, this week’s real* emails that are so fake they border on the believable.
“Thank goodness for Pitbull, British B-league soccer and Eurotrash racing, because without those things, I fear nobody would ever visit Florida.” –Richard “Hunger Games” Corcoran
“It’s not Eurotrash racing. It’s called “endurance racing.” –Visit Florida CEO Will Seccombe
“Yeah? Well, we’re not going to endure it much longer, especially since nobody in America even watches ‘endurance racing’ anyway. And what’s with that nasty Pitbull video? Those beaches aren’t even sexy.” –Carlos “Sex Police” Trujillo
“I couldn’t decide where to go on vacation, but then I saw a video with Pitbull shouting ‘Sexy beaches! Hotels!’ while flanked by six average-looking models from the 1980s wearing ill-fitting one-piece swimsuits. And I thought to myself, yeah, I should visit Florida.” –No One Ever
“That video got 10 million views! Check da math…Dale!” –Pitbull
“I hate to change the subject away from such an important topic, but can you believe that shocking CIA report proving that Russia forced Hillary to set up a private server in her home, delete 30,000 emails, use BleachBit™ to violate a court order, made her lie about it, and then planted more emails on Anthony Weiner’s computer?” –Paula “Red Scare” Dockery
“Please share the shocking photo below with Paula Dockery depicting what appears to be a Russian hacker in the act of swaying the Presidential election against Hillary Clinton.” –Former CIA Director and Clinton Chief of Staff Leon Panetta
“Speaking of the 2016 election, please forgive my latest fake news story about Donald Trump, in which I conveniently and consistently refuse to use the phrase ‘man made’ before the phrase ‘climate change’ until the end of the story, a crime for which I begrudgingly admit could totally alter the context and thus make it totally pointless for me to write it in the first place. Also, please excuse the extremely arrogant headline, which I felt necessary because I think the vast majority of Miami Herald readers are imbeciles and must be force-fed my liberal views.” –Miami Herald Fake News Reporter Patricia Mazzei
“Wait, are you suggesting global warm…er climate change stories are fake news?” –Craig Pittman
“No, it’s the way you report on ‘climate change’ that makes it fake news.” –Miami Herald Readers Who Don’t Live in South Beach
The “Inconvenient Truth” of Climate Alarmism Isn’t New
Al Gore declaring the end of polar ice caps in 2008
Current State of Artic and Antartic Sea Ice (2016 Satellite Images)
“Please stop busting the Miami Herald’s chops about fake news, because there is much more ‘fake news’ out there, especially Adam Smith naming Gwen Graham as ‘Winner of the Week’ just because she got attacked by the Republican Governor’s Association.” –John Morgan
“Fake news is everywhere. Especially when the media pretends people who get caught with marijuana are punished fairly, when corporate crooks who loot main street get a slap on the wrist.” –Ben “Weed King” Pollara
“You want some real fake news? What about all those fake endorsements that Blaise Ingoglia rolled out claiming he has the RPOF chairmanship locked up?” –Christian Ziegler
“Oh…You mean like this fake endorsement?” –Blaise Ingoglia
“What about this fake news story by Adam Smith claiming the RPOF is irrelevant?” –Peter Schorsch
“Speaking of fake news, can you believe how small the Capital Press Corps has gotten the last few years? –John Kennedy
“Merry Christmas, John.” –The Palm Beach Post
“Speaking of Christmas, you’re welcome, Democrats.” –Ian Whitney
“Speaking of Democrats, you’re welcome, Republicans.” –Leslie Wimes
“Speaking of Republicans, thank you, Orlando.” –Donald Trump