Monday Mailbag: Stabbed in the Back Edition

by | May 1, 2017

Get ready for one of the most dramatic weeks in Florida political history. Careers will be made and lost, not only in Tallahassee, but in Miami, where Ileana Ros-Lehtinen’s weekend retirement announcement resulted in more than a dozen people who honestly believe there is not a single human being in the entire district who is better suited for her job than they are – and yet most of them will announce their candidacy by including a statement about how “humbled” they are by the “outpouring of support” they have received encouraging them to run.

No fewer than five potential candidates will be in Tallahassee this week, playing a part in shaping Florida’s $83 billion budget. Even without all the Congressional drama playing out, the budget negotiations and backroom dealing was bound to result in more than a few political casualties.

The long knives are out, they’re sharp, and somebody’s going to find themselves on the wrong end. More than a few stab wounds will be opened right here in the Monday Mailbag, where the only thing that’s guaranteed authentic is the pain of not being relevant enough to be mentioned.

“I’d get this backstabbing party started by planting a dagger firmly in Carlos Lopez Cantera’s kidneys, but that’s just a waste of a good dagger since Rick Scott already marginalized him as Lieutenant Governor.” –Pepe “The Frontrunner” Diaz

“Hold up, yo. That email is totally frontin’, dawg. No way Pepe stabs Carlos Lopez Cantera. Trust me, I know my peeps, we all got each other’s backs. Right homies?” –Frank “Hialeah Homeboy” Artiles 

“Too bad I’ve broken so many campaign promises…there’s just no way I could win a Republican primary for a Congressional seat.” –Anitere Flores

“We’d vote for Anitere Flores, except we’re too busy pulling out the knife she stuck in our back.” Miami Republicans

“Now it’s time to return the favor.”  –Flores donors

Too bad I don’t live in Miami. I’d have better luck running for Congress than I’m having running for governor.” –Tallahassee Mayor Andrew Gillum 

Why don’t you just quit now? There’s no shame in admitting defeat, especially against such impossible odds.” –Gwen Graham

Speaking of impossible odds, can you believe how close we are to getting a gaming bill done this year?” –Bill Galvano

The odds are longer than you think if you don’t pass my homestead exemption.” –Richard Corcoran

“None of your crap is going to make it past my desk if you don’t give me what I want.” –Rick “Veto Pen” Scott 

“Speaking of long odds and vetos, I know a few Democrats that could make or break a supermajority. Anyone want to have dinner this week?” –Janet Cruz

“I’m free.” –Bobby DuBose

“Nothing scheduled this week. Let me know.” –Joe Abruzzo

“Who needs Democrats when you have guys like me ready to vote in lock-step with leadership?” –Jamie Grant

“Hey now, he’s just saying that to suck up to the Speaker so he isn’t declared ineligible for the 2022 speaker’s race.” –Paul Renner

“Jamie isn’t officially running…yet. Trust me, I know, because I’m the official spokespeson for his technically non-existent campaign.” –Alex Miller

 “If I’d have known the legislature would be like high school all over again, I’d never have run for office in the first place.” –Randy Fine

If state government is like high school, Adam Smith would vote me most likely to succeed.” –Jacksonville Mayor Lenny Curry

I don’t get it. You look like you belong in high school, but you’re not even in state government.” –Tom Grady

…yet.” –Lenny Curry

“Wait, was that some kind of oblique reference to the CFO appointment?” –Pat Neal

“Wait a minute. Didn’t the Mailbag predict weeks ago that I was a shoe-in for CFO?” –Joe Gruters

To be fair, he did say that there would be a lot of backstabbing in this week’s edition.” –Brian Hughes



%d bloggers like this: