Monday Mailbag: Thanksgiving Edition

by | Nov 21, 2016

Coming to you out of The Capitolist’s Northern Command Center at an undisclosed location somewhere in frigid Ohio, where, the locals remind us constantly that unlike the ‘Noles, the #2 ranked Ohio State Buckeyes at least have a shot at the title, if only they can get past #3 Michigan this weekend. We’ll see if the Buckeye luck holds…

In the meantime, even thoughThe Capitolist is out of town this week, it hasn’t stopped a flurry of emails from cutthroat political hacks sending fake emails and spreading false rumors to malign their political enemies and amuse their friends….so here’s this week’s Mailbag, chock-full-o-Thanksgiving “wishes” and sentiment.

 “I’m thankful that you finally photoshopped someone other me this week.” –Richard “Hunger Games” Corcoran

“I’m thankful that you didn’t give me one of those silly nicknames like you gave Richard Corcoran.” –John “Medicine Man” Morgan

“I’m thankful that John “Medicine Man” Morgan finally threw his hat into the governor’s race so that I no longer have to be the frontrunner.” -Gwen Graham

“I’m thankful that John “Medicine Man” Morgan finally threw his hat into the governor’s race so that everyone will stop talking about how great a governor Gwen Graham would be.” -2018 Democrat gubernatorial also-ran Bob Buckhorn

“Speaking of people throwing their hats into the ring, I’m thankful that Christian Ziegler is going to challenge Blaise Ingoglia in the RPOF Chairman’s race because everyone knows how bad Blaise is at fundraising.” –Lew Oliver 

“Speaking of chairman’s races, there’s no truth to the rumor that Blaise is going to become chairman of the RNC. Trust me, I already know exactly who has the inside track to replace Reince Priebus.” –Joe “The Insider” Gruters

Speaking of inside tracks, can you believe I’m still on a very short shortlist to become Secretary of HHS?” –Rick Scott, a.k.a. “The ObamaCare Destroyer”

Speaking of inside tracks, can you believe I’m getting railroaded into the drug czar gig instead of White House Counsel?” –Pam “Bath Salts” Bondi

Have you heard anything more about when Pam “Bath Salts” Bondi will finally resign her job as A.G. so Governor Rick Scott can appointment me as Florida Attorney General?” –Jesse “The Constitutionalist” Panuccio

“We all love Jesse “The Constitutionalist” Panuccio, but we can’t believe Governor Rick Scott would appoint him as Florida’s new A.G. without also considering any of the other brilliant lawyers out there…like us.” Charlie Trippe, Rick Figlio, Tim Cerio, Chris Kise, Mary Thomas, Hayden Dempsey, Carly Hermanson, Drew Atkinson and Pete Antonacci 

Speaking of lawyers, how much money will Florida plaintiffs get from that Trump University fraud setttlement?” Disgruntled Democrat Max Steele

Speaking of disgruntled Democrats, can you believe someone leaked my name to the press as a possible successor to Allison Tant?” –Disgruntled Democrat businessman Stephen Bittel

Speaking of potential Florida Democratic Party leaders, can you believe I’m not going to win this time, either?” –Alan “Perpetual Bridesmaid” Clendenin

Not to change the subject or anything, but we just want to remind readers about the importance of traditions during the holiday season. Even though we didn’t actually participate in any kind of feast wih pilgrims on Plymouth Rock, we do offer a fine Thanksgiving banquet and we’ll accept your wagers at the Seminole Hard Rock Casino this Thursday.” –Newly Elected Seminole Tribe Chairman Marcellus Osceola Jr.

It’s still my tribe. That back-stabber Marcellus is just worried because I wasn’t able to get the Seminole Gaming Compact renegotiated last session, so he organized a coup. But like I said, it’s still my tribe.” –-Chief Bilie  

Maybe next time you’ll offer more than just three billion lousy dollars, uh, chief.” –Joe “Draft King” Negron







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