Real* emails from real readers…
“I misplaced two thousand ballots, spoiled two hundred more, then I lost two ballot boxes all before missing the recount deadline by two minutes. It’s only appropriate that I resign two election cycles too late.” –Broward County’s Ex-Supervisor of Elections Brenda Snipes
“I should follow suit and announce my resignation, but I’ll just wait to see if Governor Carlos Lopez-Cantera has the guts to take me out.” –Doofus Broward Sheriff Scott Israel
“I’d take Scott Israel out myself, but I’m too busy laughing at that fact that I fooled so many people for so long.” –U.S. Senator-elect Ann Coulter (R-Florida)
“Wow. The resemblance is uncanny.” –Governor-elect Ron “Tim Parsons” DeSantis
“Please tell Tim Parsons at Liberty Partners not to even think about trying to steal the show as a Ron DeSantis look-alike. Now that I can ditch the bald wig and wear my natural hair, I’ll easily have mastered the new governor’s mannerisms in plenty of time for 2019 press skits.” –Reknowned Charlie Crist and Rick Scott impersonator Troy Kinsey
“Um…you do know that last year’s press skits were the worst ever, and now you won’t even have Mary Ellen Klas or me to blame for that awful Eyewitless News bit” –Failed actor Steve Bousquet
“I’ve been begging for years, and I’ll try again now. Please, for the love of God, let me help you save Press Skits. I’ll turn it into an extravaganza the likes of which Tallahassee hasn’t seen since Governor-for-Life Bob Graham arrived with the FAMU Marching 100 in tow.” –Lorne Michaels wannabe Peter Schorsch
“I hate to change the subject, but remember all those idiots who said Andrew Gillum would energize voters and help me in my race? Well, even with 25,000 undervotes in Palm Beach County, I still outperformed the little hotshot mayor of Tallahassee. Just sayin.'” –Retired fake astronaut Bill Nelson
“If only someone had warned me that playing the race card would be a great mistake.” –Democrat Ham-and-Egger Andrew Gillum
“I’d love to respond to the petty jabs in the Monday Mailbag, but I’m far too busy picking out new countertops for CateComm Estate, which is about to get a hastily added ‘recount wing.'” — Kevin “One-for-Four Ain’t Bad” Cate
“Can you believe that Ashley Moody ran a flawless campaign from primary to general election, avoided a recount, and nobody’s talking about it?” –David and Christine Johnson, a.k.a. Omega Sector operatives “Boris and Doris” – the Florida GOP’s last line of defense.
*All real emails are highlighted in bright yellow so that even people who didn’t know Rick Scott was really Ann Coulter all along can tell the difference between fake emails and score-settling nasty-grams sent by embittered political operatives to torment their arch-rivals.