Monday Mailbag: The Naples Rat Edition

by | May 22, 2017

 

We’ve got our ears to the ground, and our periscoping binoculars poking out of the trenches, trying to get a handle on what’s going on in Tallahassee. Two weeks have passed since the end of session, and still no official word on what Governor Rick Scott plans to do about the budget or medical marijuana, but there are plenty of rumors about many different important developments, especially if you’re well connected to one of the largest circular rumor mills in all of Tallahassee.

But we here at The Capitolist don’t really need rumors, or even the official word from anyone, because we have Real* Emails from Real* Readers to serve as the ultimate crystal ball into the future. Without further fanfare, let’s open the drawstrings on this week’s mailbag and peer inside…


“Please tell Peter Schorsch that I’m not The Capitolist’s number one source.  Doesn’t he know your top source is actually the governor himself?” –Jackie Schutz Zeckman

Hey there, it’s me again, this time to let you know that I’m picking Jimmy Patronis to be CFO.” –Governor Rick “Florida’s Third Senator” Scott

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up. Everyone knows these are fake emails, right? Because I’m pretty sure it’s gonna be me.” –Jack Latvala

Keep yer breeches on, Jack. I’m fairly certain I’ve got the inside track on that gig, after all I did to help the Gov with his priorities.” –Joe Gruters

“I agree, no way it’s gonna be Latvala, since Scott is looking for a man who’ll be a second vote on the Cabinet. And I am that man.” –Pat Neal

Eh…that’s kinda why I dropped out of contention. Because I have a conscience, and I vote it.” –Lenny Curry

Speaking of having a conscience, did everyone see the trial balloon I floated about taking out Gwen Graham with an independent bid for governor?” –Phil Levine

Oh, please. Phil Levine doesn’t have a conscience. That’s just a power play to make sure I name him as Gwen’s running mate.” –Bob Graham

Daddy, when can I make some campaign decisions?” –Bob Graham’s daughter

Has anyone heard the rumor that I might run for governor?” Bill Nelson

“Oh, are we floating crazy rumors now?” –Adam “Please Don’t Let There Be A Self Funder In 2018” Putnam

“Speaking of rumormongering, has anyone heard the rumor that I’m back in the mix in the 2022 GOP House Leadership race?” –Randy Fine

You mean the 2022 House Speaker’s race?” –Jamie Grant

No, unlike you, Randy isn’t counting his chickens before they hatch.” –Paul Renner

Speaking of counting chickens, please pass my apologies to Frank White and Erin Grall who didn’t make our big meeting last week, due to *ahem* short notice. But rules are rules.” –Bob “The Naples Rat” Rommel

“I’ve seen a few brilliant maneuvers in my day, but this one? Not even Monty or Patton could help Frank White now.” –Afrika Korps General Erwin “The Desert Rat” Rommel


*All Real Emails from Real Readers are highlighted in bright yellow so that certain rules-oriented Republikans and their rat lawyers can distinguish between facts and satire. We at The Capitolist can’t afford armies of lawyers to fight off waves of legal assaults, so we include this disclaimer as a way of letting everyone in on the joke.

 

0 Comments

Leave a comment

%d bloggers like this: