Monday Mailbag: The Pandemic is Over Edition

by | Apr 27, 2020

Real* emails from real readers…

“If the 2020 election polls are off as far as the 2020 coronavirus death projections, Donald Trump will still get re-elected in a landslide.” –Jose Oliva

“Have we waited long enough to make it appear as if we’ve engaged in careful deliberations before announcing that we’re reopening the state?” –ReOpen Florida Task Force

“Florida’s economy has gotten so bad, we had to cut payments to Jimmy Buffett, six Democrat lawmakers and Joe Negron.” –Everglades Foundation

“While they’re deliberating, I’d like to take this opportunity to personally thank the Miami Beach Police for their excellent work blurring the bodycam footage of my naked, drunken ramblings after that meth-fueled romp with a gay escort last month.” –Andrew Gillum

“Some think we only blurred the video because Sunshine Laws exempt bodycam footage from inside hotel rooms, but the fact is, even Republican opposition researchers were grossed out and insisted we blur the footage.” –Miami Beach Police

“We did, however, note that when Andrew Gillum attends a naked, meth-fueled gay sex romp, he expects a disco ball and protein bars.” –GOP Opposition Researchers

“We hate to change the subject, we really do. But can you please tell Ron DeSantis to keep posting the daily positive test numbers so we can perpetuate the myth that coronavirus is still spreading?” –Mary Ellen Klas

“A week ago I virtue-signaled my distaste for the lack of women on the ReOpen Florida Task Force. Next, I virtue-signalled about too many old white men expressing their opinions in the Tampa Bay Times. This week, I was planning to virtue-signal about how NFL players who didn’t win a Super Bowl with the Patriots are woefully underrepresented on the Tampa Bay Bucs, but then Gronk showed up.” –Peter Schorsch

“Speaking of virtue-signaling, we demand representation on the ReOpen Florida Task Force, too!” –Coronavirus Positive Floridians

*All real emails are highlighted in bright yellow so that Everglades Foundation lawyers can tell the difference between libelous accusations of graft and scathing satire based upon an element of truth.

1 Comment

  1. Jeremy Smith

    Great stuff as usual!

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