Monday Mailbag: Thunderpants and the Crazies Edition

by | Jun 4, 2018

Better late than never…too much Benadryl makes it tough to get the Mailbag done on time.  And no, Thunderpants and the Crazies isn’t a band name, but it should be.

Anyway, here are those Real* emails from real readers…

“Today I’m being endorsed by the former governor of Puerto Rico, which means all Puerto Ricans should automatically vote for me without thinking about it. And if that’s not reason enough, all Puerto Ricans should note that I once hitched a ride into space with real NASA astronauts.” –Puerto Rico’s Favorite Space Traveler, Bill “Thunderpants” Nelson

What? Puerto Ricans can’t vote. I mean, they aren’t even American citizens, are they?” –John Ward

“Enough about Puerto Ricans, already. We want everyone to know that Bill “Thunderpants” Nelson met the minimum qualifications to be a real astronaut, and so we’re planning a big story to remind everyone about it.” –Tampa Bay Times

“Someone had to remind us about it too. That’s why we only recently updated our list of official astronauts to include Bill “Thunderpants” Nelson. We reluctantly confirmed he was actually along for the free ride.” –NASA

“In case people don’t remember, Bill “Thunderpants” Nelson managed to survive the space mission even though his spacesuit was filled with his own farts.” Lawton Chiles’ 1990 campaign team

“Real astronauts do say that ‘space smells funny.’ Maybe it’s Bill “Thunderpants” Nelson’s fault?” –

Pants on Fire?  Nah. These days, he is so old he only farts dust.” Bill “Thunderpants” Nelson’s 2018 campaign team

Incidentally, farting dust provides more rocket power than NASA’s own space program these days.” –Space X Founder Elon Musk

Speaking of Elon Musk, thank you for supporting my campaign for governor of Florida. Most of you dumbasses probably didn’t even know that.” –Karl C.C. Behm, Confederate Party Candidate for Governor

“Not to change the subject, but it really sucks that I’m the only non-millionaire seeking the Democratic nomination for governor. If only I had access to more cash.” Andrew Gillum

“Seems to me Andrew Gillum had access to plenty of cash when he was hanging with me at that posh Costa Rican villa.” –Undercover FBI Agent “Mike Sweets”

It really sucks to be a millionaire in a race against a multi-millionaire like Chris King.” –Bob Graham’s daughter

It really sucks that I have to spend all of my personal fortune instead of just a fraction of it like Phil Levine can.” –Chris King

“It really sucks to be a meager multi-millionaire in a race against a wealthy multi-billionaire like Jeff Greene.” –Phil Levine

Don’t worry, Jeff Green flushed $23 million down the toilet back in 2010 and he couldnt’ even beat me in the primary.” Kendrick Meek

Don’t worry my fellow Democrats, when I finally sell my fake oil spill clean-up company, I’ll have plenty of cash I can use to take on Jeff Greene.” –Patrick Murphy

Don’t worry, my fellow Democrats, I only filed because I love reading my name in the paper.” –Jeff Greene

If that’s all Jeff Greene really wants, he should be my running mate. After all, my political party is named after him.” Florida Greene Party Candidate Bruce Stanley

Don’t worry, Florida. I just shine shoes for a living and I’ve raised $2,300 so far. I’ll probably outperform Jeff Greene if I were to run as a Democrat.” –Tony “The Shoe Shine Guy” Knox

Speaking of Tony the Shoeshine Guy, when will the media start writing about all 29 candidates who have filed to run for governor?  I want my fifteen minutes of fame.” John Joseph Mercandante

“I’d vote for you, but your website is so boring, it looks like all the other sites. You should really use more photos of yourself on the side and top banner like my site.” Usha Jain

BORING. At least I have given significant thought to the important things, like my official campaign color.” –K.C. Ward

If anyone is interested in supporting my gubernatorial campaign, please send contributions to the ‘Billionaire Josue Larose’s Dating Women Committee.” –Josue Larose

I got a Google alert that someone wrote about my campaign for governor. Turns out it was just your stupid Monday Mailbag satire article. Thanks a lot, jerk.” –Armando Adames Rivas

*All real emails are highlighted in bright yellow to differentiate them from the certifiably crazy drivel coming from a certain “billionaire” candidate who have filed to run for governor, and I’m not just talking about Josue Larose.


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