Monday Mailbag: Triple Dog Dare Edition

by | Nov 13, 2017

Monday Mailbag is a satirical compilation of Real* Emails from Real* Readers of The Capitolist. 

I dare anyone to come up with better proof that I couldn’t possibly have groped anyone in an elevator by testing the (alleged) method of groping on my wife.” –Jack Latvala

If the groper can’t reach, you must not impeach!” –Steve Andrews

“We dare Jack Latvala to keep comparing himself to O.J. Simpson .” –Florida Democrats

I double dare Jack Latvala to sue me for claiming he’s intentionally trying to intimidate potential witnesses.” –Nancy Smith

We double dog dare more anonymous witnesses and sources to come forward now that investigative reporter Arek Sarkissian joined our team.” –POLITICO Florida

Unfortunately, I can’t help much with that Senate sex harassement story, because all of my anonymous sources sit at Fred Piccolo’s desk in the Speaker’s office.” –Arek Sarkissian

Just because Arek Sarkissian’s best anonymous source works in the House doesn’t mean that source can’t dish primo dirt on Florida Senators.” –Fred Piccolo 

I double dog dare anyone to prove that I have any official knowledge about Fred Piccolo’s one-man covert public relations campaign against the Florida Senate.” –Richard Corcoran

“Speaking of ‘primo dirt,’ I double dog dare any women who’ve been groped by Phil Levine to please come forward. Because he’s pretty much the worst thing that could happen to my gubernatorial campaign.” –Bob Graham’s Daughter

“You mean because I can raise more money than you? Because I’m more likeable than you? Or because I’m such a nutjob lib that even if you win the nomination, I’ll force you to shift so far to the left that you can’t possibly win the general election?” –Phil “Lefty” Levine

I triple dog dare you to explain how any of that crap is going to matter when I get into the race.” –John Morgan, of Morgan and Morgan

“Whoa…triple dog dare.The coup de grace of dares. And a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the triple dare. But let’s be honest, nobody’s gonna stand up to John Morgan, of Morgan and Morgan, if he decides to save the Florida Democratic Party.” –Stephen Bittel

*All real emails are highlighted in bright yellow so that people dumb enough to stick their tongues where they don’t belong can tell the difference between an authentic quote from a lecherous politician and a triple dog dare in a fake email from a litigious lawyer like Steve Andrews.


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