Monday Mailbag: Vanilla Ice Edition

by | Mar 5, 2017

Buckle in everyone, one of the wildest legislative sessions in recent memory is set to begin tomorrow morning. And not a moment too soon, some of the biggest names in Florida politics have fake-emailed in their wildest predictions about what the next 60 days has in store for all of us.  Here are this week’s Real* Emails from Real* Readers:

“With the 2017 Legislative Session upon us, I predict that Peter Schorsch will not win this year’s Biggest Loser contest.” –Aaron Bean

“You can’t win if you don’t play. I predict the real Biggest Loser is going to be Tom Grady when he’s NOT named CFO.” –Peter Schorsch

“What do you call the guy that loses the most weight in Aaron Bean’s  Biggest Loser contest AND gets appointed by Governor Scott to be the next CFO?” –Joe “Biggest-Loser-Winner & CFO” Gruters

Everyone knows, I rarely hire fat people, so before I name Joe Gruters as CFO, he’s gonna have to lay off the Haight Ashbury sandwiches at Andrews.” –Rick Scott

“I predict Rick Scott’s 2017 State-of-the-State speech will feature a certain four-letter word, carefully chosen as a warning to certain legislators.” Jackie Schutz


“I predict EFI will pull through the 2017 legislative session unscathed. Please, oh please, let this be true.” –Chris Hart

I predict Visit Florida will easily survive the 2017 Legislative Session, but we’re going to have to make some sacrifices for next year’s rap video.” –Ken Lawson

“I’m available at only a fraction of what Pitbull charged you, and my stuff is waaaaay more family friendly.” –Robert “Vanilla Ice” Van Winkle


I’d rather adopt the Senate gaming bill than allow Visit Florida to sign a marketing contract with Vanilla Ice.” –Richard Corcoran

I’d rather flood Lake Okeechobee with two billion gallons of rotten guacamole than allow Visit Florida to sign a marketing contract with Vanilla Ice.” –Joe Negron

Vice vice baby

Are we still making predictions? If so, I’d like to predict that Governor Scott will soon name my replacement at FDOT, because I’m not sure how much longer I really want to be here anyway.” –Rachel “Barefoot in the Office” Cone

Can I nominate myself as a candidate for FDOT secretary when Rachel Cone finally decides she can’t take it anymore?” –Tom Grady

“Isn’t it ironic that I campaigned last year on being an outsider, and now I’m chairing the Constitutional Review Commission, which just so happens to be the biggest bunch of insiders ever assembled in Florida history? –Carlos Beruff 

“Trust me, Carlos, you’re not really that much of an insider. You’re more of a crony.” –Fred Karlinsky

Is it true that the price of admission to the Constitutional Review Commission was a $250,000 contribution to Let’s Get to Work?” –Son of Don Gaetz

Sorry, son. If only I’d known, I’d have bought you that seat, too.” –Don Gaetz

*Actual Real Emails from Real Readers are highlighted in bright yellow. All other emails that appear in this column purporting to be sent by a real person were actually reconstructed with the aid of a supercomputer algorithm based on rumors, innuendo and selected portions of shredded documents that I recovered from the dumpster behind Brian Ballard’s office building late last Thursday night. 




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