Monday Mailbag: What’s in the Backpack? Edition

by | Sep 9, 2018

Real* emails from real readers…

I’d like to apologize to all FSU football fans for the rough start this season, but to make it up to you, we started this really fun internet backpack meme. I call it the Swag Bag. Can you guess what’s inside?” –FSU football coach Willie Taggart

Is it my offensive line?” –FSU Quarterback Deondre Francois

Perhaps the FSU swag bag contains Andrew Gillum’s missing expense reports?” –DeSantis campaign guru Brad Harold

Obviously the FSU turnover backpack is not only a really stupid idea from a really lame school, it’s also where Ron DeSantis has hidden all his ideas for what he’ll do as governor, and he won’t reveal its contents until November, and only then in the unlikely event he wins.” Gillum campaign guru Kevin Cate

The FSU swag bag contains all the Florida voters who will actually switch their vote to Andrew Gillum because he picked me as his running mate.” –Socialist Lieutenant Governor Candidate Chris King

Perhaps the backpack contains the missing cash Andrew Gillum says he paid to my client Adam Corey as a reimbursement for his junket to Costa Rica, which, of course my client never received.” –Attorney Chris Kise 

“Since you’re already talking about me, please alert my Tallahassee comrades that even though Hurricane Florence will likely miss Florida and instead hit North Carolina, my city’s outdated and poorly maintained power infrastructure means we will probably be without power for many days.”  –Ethically-challenged-but-still-unindicted socialist Democrat gubernatorial nominee Andrew Gillum

Maybe next time Mayor Gillum shouldn’t say no when outside help is offered after a hurricane.” –Rick Scott

“Thank goodness Hurricane Florence will miss our state, because as a U.S. Senator there’s only so much I can pretend to do while Rick Scott is getting all the good media coverage.” Dust-Farting Space Shuttle Stowaway Bill Nelson

“We hate to change the subject, but is the Republican Party so old they actually think a 50 year old candidate is young?” –Florida Democratic Party


*All real emails are highlighted in bright yellow so that new readers seeing the Mailbag for the first time can appreciate the fact that even though the emails are made up, they still contain delicious nuggets of truth, such as the dangers of socialism, the fact that Chris King may soon be only an indictment away from the governor’s mansion, and the fact that Mike Miller is half a century old.


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