Monday Mailbag: You’re Welcome Edition

by | Nov 20, 2017

It’s Thanksgiving Week, and that means some of our favorite public figures will soon flood our email inboxes with utterly useless tripe about all of the things they are thankful for. In the meantime, though, The Capitolist’s email inbox has been flooded with Real* Emails from Real* Readers, telling us all the things they aren’t thankful for, like breast shaped squeeze toys and anonymous sources.

“This Thanksgiving, I’m so grateful that The Capitolist didn’t publish the full list of all of my friends and family who got tickets from me for the 2017 NCAA football championship.” –Port Tampa Bay CEO Paul Anderson 

“Please tell Paul Anderson not to count his chickens before they hatch.” –Anonymous Sources at Port Tampa 

Why are you always picking on Paul Anderson? He spent all that money on marketing and port revenue has really grown over the past couple years.” –Clueless Board Members

“Revenue is up, but so are two new gantry cranes and the port’s ability to handle more freight. Maybe that has something to do with it?” –International Longshoremen’s Association Local 1402

“Also, we’re tired of being asked to help out at your house, Paul.” –The Port Leaker

I hate to change the subject, but I’m sure all that port scandal talk will reach a crescendo soon enough. Let’s talk about the 2018 election cycle instead. I need Florida Democrats really focused on 2018, or I’m toast.” –Bill Nelson

Wait, what? You mean all those Puerto Ricans flooding into the state aren’t going to magically save us?” –Florida Democrats

Dear me…I…they…those Puerto Ricans constitute a major strategic plank in my campaign plan. If they don’t vote, I’m screwed.” –Bob Graham’s Daughter

Trust me, you’re screwed. Have you seen Phil Levine’s fundraising recently? It’s impressive for someone who champions all my favorite issues. Maybe I won’t need to run after all.” –John Morgan of Morgan and Morgan

Have you seen Gwen Graham’s fundraising recently? It’s very, very impressive for someone who’ll finish second in the Democratic primary.” –Phil Levine

“Have you seen Richard Corcoran’s fundraising recently?  It’s very, very impressive for someone running for attorney general.” –Adam Putnam

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed in my candidate last month. But with Latvala now out of the way, Corcoran’s the only game in town when it comes to shaking down lobbyists.” –Tony Fabrizio

“It’s no secret that Richard Corcoran is undermining the Senate at every turn.” Tallahassee Lobbyists

“What can I say, except…you know…” –Richard Corcoran

We’re disgusted that Jack Latvala raised half a million dollars last month. Every one of those donors should ask for a refund.” –The Politico Six

It’s disappointing that Jack Latvala only raised a half a million dollars last month. But I suppose it’ll help offset some of the legal bills I’m sending him.” –$teve Andrew$

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I am thankful that, as chairman of the Republican Party, none of the women I leer at or act creepy towards have ever filed a complaint against me.” –Blaise Ingoglia

“To be fair, most of us Republican ladies are old enough to be Blaise Ingoglia’s mother. We are just happy that he talks to us at all.” Florida Federation of Republican Women

“Hey now, we’re not all that old. But even if Blaise was creepy enough to have a breast-shaped squeeze toy on his desk, we wouldn’t file a complaint, we’d just shoot him because unlike all of the ‘victims’ in the Democratic Party, most of us Republican women are concealed carry permit holders.”Cynthia Henderson

“The internet is forever. Which means that I shall henceforth always be known as the man who resigned from his job because he was too creepy.” –Stephen Bittel

*All real emails are highlighted in bright yellow to distinguish them from rumors and innuendo sent to us by anonymous sources so questionable and disreputable that even Politico reporters won’t associate with them.


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