Monday Mailbag: Everything Old is New Again Edition

by | Sep 26, 2016

Hatemail is flowing at a high rate after The Capitolist broke the story of Sheriff Mike Wood’s generator scandal. More on that coming soon enough. In the meantime, we’re emptying out our inbox, clearing out the mailbox, and building a flamethrower-proof pillbox for the next wave of rage-filled missives. As usual, persons of consequence with a political ax to grind can send us their fake email messages to mock their enemies, engage in self-deprecating humor, or just set the stage for future breaking news. Yes, for those of you still scratching your heads, this regular installment is political satire mixed with a moderate dose of foreshadowing.

Here are this week’s Real* Emails From Real* Subscribers:

“This week in 1690, Benjamin Harris published the first and last edition of Publick Occurences, after the British governor ordered America’s first newspaper shutdown because he didn’t approve the content.” –Hudson the Historian

“If only our current governor could wield the same kind of power against crap publications like The Capitolist.”  —Joe Negron

“Excellent idea. If the governor could shut down all the crap media publications, only quality Florida media publications would remain.”Jose Lambiet

“Excellent idea. If the governor shuts down all the crap media publications, I can scoop up even more reporters at bargain basement prices.” –Peter Schorsch

“For those keeping score at home,  I’ve now flogged Rick Scott for the second week in a row after he refused to back me in the primary against Carlos Beruff.” –Marco Rubio

“Speaking of Rick Scott, did anyone notice that he finally let Carlos Lopez Cantera out of the dog house?” –Adam Smith

“Please don’t tell Adam Smith, but I don’t read his column because I’m too busy cleaning up all the raw sewage.” St. Petersburg Mayor Rick Kriseman

“Tell Rick Kriseman he should do what everyone else does when they have a raw sewage problem – use the Tampa Bay Times to wipe it up.” –David Jolly

“I use it for bird cage liner.” –Bob Buckhorn

“Puppy potty training box liner.” –Mike Fasano

“Fishwrap.” –Lizbeth Benaquisto

“Speaking of cold fish, did you hear Hillary is going to be in Port St. Lucie this week?” –Trump Florida senior adviser Susie Wiles

“Speaking of things that give me nausea, did you hear about the taxpayer dollars we’re flushing down the toilet on Capitol Complex renovations?” –Presumptive Governor Adam Putnam

“Speaking of presumptions, how long do you think it’ll be before the real story of my departure from AHCA leaks out?” –Liz Dudek

“Speaking of leaks, please don’t ask why Let’s Get to Work reimbursed me $11,784.31 for ‘travel’ last month.” –Melissa Stone

“Speaking of Let’s Get to Work, isn’t it about time they broke some news this week?” –Blaise Ingoglia

“Speaking of RPOF, isn’t it about time they got to work electing some candidates like they used to do through their victory program?” –Mary Anne Carter

“Speaking of victory, I can’t wait for tonight’s big event.”-Donald Trump

“Speaking of Donald Trump, there is no evidence that the destruction of his naked likeness was related to terrorism.” –Miami police

 

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