The Monday Mailbag is not real news. The Monday Mailbag is also not “fake news.” It is, and always has been, SATIRE, baked with a generous helping of truth and a pinch of saltiness.

“Please don’t ask me who I had lunch with at Andrews last Wednesday. Suffice it to say it was a person of consequence.” –Kim McDougal

“Please don’t ask me who I had dinner with at Shula’s last Wednesday. Suffice it to say it was a forward-looking conversation.” –Richard Corcoran

“We think it’s important to note that, by rule, none of us are allowed within 500 feet of Richard Corcoran when he is eating lunch or dinner.” –Tallahassee Lobbyists

“Please remind me to pass a rule like that when I become Speaker.” –Jose Oliva

“Please don’t mention my name as that rumored lunch guest, because I’d hate to cultivate the image that I’m always in the middle of Tallahassee skullduggery.” –Kirk Pepper

“There’s no need to mention any sightings of me at various Tallahassee bars and restaurants, because everyone already knows I’m in the middle of Tallahassee skullduggery.” –David Johnson

“Please refrain from publishing any sightings of me at various Tallahassee bars and restaurants, because my comings and goings tend to attract unwanted media attention.” –Tony Fabrizio

“Please refrain from publishing any sightings of me at various Tallahassee bars and restaurants, because everyone knows I only do serious business at the Governor’s Club.” –Mark Reichelderfer

“Please DO mention all sightings of me at various Tallahassee bars and restaurants, especially if I own a stake in them.” –Ron Sachs

“Speaking of bars, please delete any pictures you have from recent birthday parties I’ve thrown, because such imagery undermines the credibility of the opinion piece I wrote claiming I had a change of heart on the Whiskey and Wheaties bill.” –Peter Schorsch

“Is this the photo Peter is talking about?” –The Internet is Forever Foundation

“Yes. Please delete that.” –Peter Schorsch

“What about this one?” –The Internet is Forever Foundation

“On second thought, give me your address, because I’m coming up to Tallahassee to beat your face in, Burgess, you filthy pay-to-play whore.” –Peter Schorsch

“Speaking of restaurants, I don’t care if you publish my name or not, but please do mention all of our member restaurants and hotels as soon as you’re done flogging Peter Schorsch.” –Florida Restaurant and Lodging Association President and CEO Carol Dover

“I don’t care if you mention restaurants and hotels, just be sure to point out irresponsible local governments that are trying to choke off Florida’s tourism industry with their overregulation of vacation rentals.” –Lori Killinger

“Oh, I almost forgot, please tell Curt Anderson the next time he bilks the governor for one of his garbage polls, to please print hard copies on softer stock because we’re using it as toilet paper in the Member’s washroom.” –Richard Corcoran