Monday Mailbag: Get Out of Town Edition

by | May 15, 2017

Satire, not real emails, yada yada.

In case you missed Adam Putnam’s big kickoff party, don’t worry. It looked a lot like one of my rallies from last year.” –Donald Trump

If people thought Putnam’s kickoff rally was impressive, wait until they see his fundraising numbers for April.” –Meredith O’Rourke

Okay, I admit Putnam had a killer rollout strategy, but Speaker Corcoran’s fundraising numbers will grow too now that session is over.” –Fred Piccolo

“Wait…will the fundraising ban remain in effect even during a special session on marijuana?” –Richard Corcoran

Why should you care? You don’t enforce the rules anyway.” –Paul Renner

Nor do I want him to.” –Jamie Grant

I second that.” –David Rivera

Sigh. I’m outta here for the summer. I’d roll my eyes, too, but I don’t totally trust the autopilot on my Tesla.” –Randy Fine

Randy has the right idea, trust me. Everyone should  follow my lead as Florida’s third U.S. Senator, and get out of Tallahassee.” –Rick Scott

We’re standing by, ready to haul people anywhere they need to go.” –Uber and Lyft

“Please tell Florida’s Third Senator Rick Scott to get back to Tallahassee so the legislature can transmit the budget to him, so I can punch out and go to my new, cush job at FAU.” –Jeff Atwater

“Great job getting that Atwater scooplet, by the way. Unlike other outlets who routinely steal scoops and don’t credit us, we always give credit where it is due.” –Peter Schorsch

“Speaking of scoops, congrats to your new guy, John Lucas, for getting the scoop that I’m not running for Ileana Ros-Lehtinen’s seat.” –Anitere Flores

“You guys call that a scoop? What about my scoop with those Democrat emails proving that politics was a big factor in how they responded to the Frank Artiles situation?” –Matt Dixon

“Oops. Shoulda mentioned it was and still is behind a paywall. So if you’re a cheapskate lobbyist or penny-pinching political operative, you probably missed it.” –Matt Dixon

“No, we didn’t miss it. Because one particular lobbying firm in town just cuts and pastes the paywall content into their daily client email, which eventually gets forwarded and reforwarded to everyone in town for free anyway.” –Cheapskate Lobbyists and Penny-Pinching Political Operatives

“I may be one of Tallahassee’s biggest-earning lobbyists, but a penny saved is a penny earned. How do I get on that distribution list?” –Ron Book 

Who cares about Politico? Did you see how Adam Smith named Rick Kriseman ‘Loser of the Week?'” –Rick Baker

Technically, I was only named ‘Runner-Up Loser of the Week.” –Rick Kriseman

“Please tell Rick Kriseman that ‘Runner-Up Loser of the Week’ isn’t much to take solace in, considering the actual loser of the week.” –Corrine Brown

“Speaking of life’s losers, please urge Governor Scott to veto all that money earmarked for crisis pregnancy centers so that we can make a bigger profit by aborting those babies, too.” –Naral Pro-Choice America

Shhhh. We don’t need The Capitolist’s readers realizing that our abortion services are a cash cow to the tune of tens of millions of dollars in pure profit every year. – even more than we earn from selling body parts.” –Planned Parenthood 

Ew. Come on, man, we come to The Capitolist to be spoonfed a taste of biting satire, not get punched in the face by the harsh reality of liberal extremism.” –The Capitolist’s Readers

It never stops us.” –Tampa Bay Times Editorial Board




What is the most glaring political issue facing Floridians ahead of Legislative Session?
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