Monday Mailbag: Hot Cheeks Bikini Edition

by | Apr 24, 2017

By now everyone should know the drill…Monday Mailbag is pure satire. And since there’s SO MUCH to mock, let’s get right to these Real* Emails from Real* Subscribers.

“Hold my branded glassware and watch this!” –Frank Artiles

“Speaking of branded glassware, I’d like to pour one out for my homie.” –Joe Negron

Pour One Out


“We’d like to take a moment of personal privilege and ask that the Senate rename SB 1040, aka the ‘Branded Glassware Bill’ as the Frank Artiles Memorial Act.” –Anheuser-Busch


Artiles Joker


“Just as a reminder, back in 2014, Artiles used the racial slur ‘hajis’ but apparently it’s not a big deal to insult Arab-Americans.” –Omar Rivero

“Credit to the Times/Herald for their tick-tick of the Artiles saga. Of course, credit to my op-ed Tuesday, which kicked Artiles right in the balls. Also, congrats to Adam Smith who actually got the Winner and Loser of the Week right for the first time all year.” –Peter Schorsch 

“Thank goodness for Frank Artiles and his potty mouth, because it totally distracted everyone from the fact that I should be disqualified from the 2022 speaker’s race.” –Jamie Grant

“Don’t forget that Paul Renner should be disqualified too.” –Grant for Speaker 2022 Campaign Chairwoman Alex Miller

“Why should I be disqualfied? All I did was convene a meeting of all eligible voting freshmen and pitch them on why they should support me instead of Jamie. It’s not as if I was actually campaigning.” –Paul Renner

“Speaking of hot co-ed freshmen, Instead of whining like a crybaby in front of your peers, Paul Renner should just hire one of my girls to run his campaign.” –Irv Slosberg

“Maybe I should hire some of those girls for my CFO campaign.” –Pat Neal

“Yeah. Do it! It worked for me!” –Halsey Beshears

“Please tell Halsey Beshears that it is a felony to hack our social media accounts in order to delete incriminating evidence.” –Hooters Hotties for Halsey PAC 

“It’s not a crime if you can’t prove I did it.” –Halsey Beshears

“Trust me, I’ll consider it a crime if there’s even a shred of evidence on social media linking one of my House Members to hiring legislative aides straight from Hooters.” –Richard Corcoran

“Red Alert! Red Alert! Delete All Social Media Accounts ASAP!!!” –Memo to House Republicans

Halsey Hacker

*All Real emails from Real subscribers are highlighted in bright yellow so that even legislative staffers without any experience in state government will still be able to know that the content of Monday Mailbag is only as real as the silicone implants of Frank Artiles’ campaign aides.



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