Okay, I’m just gonna say this one time right at the very beginning, because I keep running into people – thankfully rarely – who actually aren’t sure if the Monday Mailbag column contains real emails or just pure satire.
So here is the straight truth: the following emails are 100% authentic. I can guarantee this because most of them I made up myself, all the rest were sent by people looking to start a nasty rumor, pick a fight, or otherwise disparage another.
We have a lot of ground to cover today, so let’s get right to these Real Emails* from Real Readers.
“Please change Richard “Hunger Games” Corcoran’s nickname to ‘Richard Cuckoran.’ He’s been cucked by the Capital Press.” –#NeverCorcoran Lobbyists
“Oh, I get it. Because he implemented the lobbyist registry. And here I thought he’d cucked the media.” –Fred Piccolo
“Okay, sure, I admit I love Corcoran’s new lobbyist registry, but we reporters won’t be completely cucked until Corcoran makes the lobbyists fill out all the fields.” –Matt Dixon
“Prepare to be cucked.” –Richard “Hunger Games” Corcoran
“Speaking of Richard “Hunger Games” Corcoran and cucked journalists, can you believe Scott Maxwell at the Orlando Sentinel shamelessly plagiarized content from The Capitolist?” –Peter Schorsch
“I should not dignify Mr. Schorsch’s charge with a reply since I am a powerful and esteemed member of Florida’s media, but I will. After all, I am a newspaper columnist, and as such, I have neither the time to read, nor certainly steal content from, a despicable center-right rag like The Capitolist. Thus, the idea that I plagiarized your material is not only preposterous, it is inconceivable.” –Scott “Copycat” Maxwell“I’m not sure what all the fuss is about. After conducting exhaustive research, it’s clear that The Capitolist wasn’t the first to coin the nickname “Hunger Games” for Richard Corcoran.” –Research maestro Tim Baker
“Speaking of research, this article about John Huntsman says he owes money to a couple of well-known Florida political operatives, which might be relevant if Huntsman is nominated as Secretary of State.” –Research maven Josh Cooper
“Please let your readers know I have no idea how that story ended up in Politico.” –Political legend David Johnson
“Me either.” –On3 Public Relations maven Christina Johnson
“Me either. But while I have your attention, I just wanted to make it perfectly clear that I’m still totally not running for anything anytime soon. In case I wasn’t clear in last week’s article.” –Mike “Still Not a Candidate” Haridopolos
“I know I’m a lame duck, but please don’t make a big deal out of the smoking ban that takes effect on public housing this month. Not only is it unpopular, it’s also embarrassing.” –Barack Obama
“By the way, I was browsing dank memes on some Donald Trump message boards over the weekend and thought I’d share a few with you guys. Oh…and by the way, at the moment, I have no plans to run for office. I’m just totally JACKED OUT OF MY FREAKIN’ MIND for America right now. You with me?” –Mike “Private Citizen” Haridopolos
“If you guys liked that one from James Woods, you’re gonna love the dank meme below from “The Office.” –Very Truly Yours, Mike Haridopolos, the Un-Candidate
“False. The following meme isn’t from ‘The Office,’ it’s from ‘Office Space,’ and it’s entirely unfunny.” –PolitiFact Florida
“Please don’t be surprised if you see these memes again in my Facebook and Twitter feeds later this week.” –Mike “Just an Exploratory Committee Only” Haridopolos
“Okay, sorry for hijacking your mailbag. But with the Holidays coming up, I can’t resist throwing one more in here Enjoy this video.” –Mike “Totally Not a Trial Balloon” Haridopolos
*Authenticity of real emails is assumed with a confidence interval roughly equivalent to the accuracy of mainstream media reporting.