In honor of incoming Senate President Joe Negron’s fantasy announcement to spend $1.2 billion on liquid fecal fertilizer storage in the Everglades to stop **it from flooding into Port Saint Lucie from all the leaking septic tanks in Orlando, and in homage to the equally delusional First Amendment Foundation’s fantasy of reading every Snapchat message sent by lobbyists to their favorite legislator, we shine a little bit of sunshine on The Capitolist’s mail bag. Here is a selection of real* emails from real* readers:

First a few heartwarming messages from my friends in the real* media:

“If you can’t beat us, join us. Misery loves company.” –the Capitol Press Corps

“Good luck trying to outscoop me on news related to Jacksonville.” –Tia Mitchell

“Good luck trying to outscoop my wife on news related to Miami.” –John Kennedy

“Good luck trying to outscoop my husband on news related to Palm Beach.” –Mary Ellen Klas

“Good luck trying to outscoop me on news I’ve dumbed down for all the TV newsreaders.” –Gary Fineout

“Good luck trying to outscoop me on news you can’t read because it’s behind a paywall.” –Matt Dixon

“Good luck trying to outscoop me on news you already read in Sunburn.” –Marc Caputo

“Good luck trying to outscoop me on petty squabbles between lobbyists and candidates.” –Peter Schorsch 

With those pleasantries out of the way, it’s time to get to the really good stuff:

“Your app sucks even worse than mine.” –Justin Sayfie

“Speaking of crappy mobile apps, how much to sponsor yours?” –Kevin Cate

“How much for small rectangle ad?” –Chip Case (asking for a friend)

“How much for a medium ad?” –Corcoran and Johnston

“How much for a large banner ad?” –Southern Strategies

“How much for me to buy the whole crappy site and just shut it down permanently?” –Carlos “Historical Footnote” Beruff

“How much did the Jacksonville cabal pay you to Photoshop my face into that Hunger Games picture?” –Richard “Hunger Games” Corcoran

“How much will you charge to Photoshop Joe Negron’s face onto that Tattoo character from Fantasy Island?” –Richard “Hunger Games” Corcoran

“Maybe he’s living on Fantasy Island, but at least Joe Negron is making me relevant again.” –Fecal Fertilizer Fighter Eric Eikenberg

“I don’t know where Joe Negron got his real estate values, but he’s not looking at the same data I am.” –Robert Coker

“I don’t know what Joe Negron is smoking, but it’s not medicinal sugar cane.” –Gaston Cantens

“I don’t know what Joe Negron is smoking, but it made him think Port Saint Lucie trailer park residents are more important than us.” –Florida Farmers

“I don’t know what Joe Negron is smoking, either. But I want some of it.” –Jimmy Buffett

“Please don’t ask me about what Joe Negron is smoking. I just want to read the next hit piece about Debbie Mayfield.” –Ritch Workman

“When are you going to write that Mayfield doesn’t know how to spell ‘principled’?” –David Bishop

Paid for by Debbiie (sic) Mayfield

“When are you going to write that we fixed that error two weeks ago?” –Debbiie (sic) Mayfield

“When are you going to write about how Ritch Workman is so dirty, we had to change #WorkmanDirty30 to #WorkmanFilthy50?” –Erin Isaac

“Please don’t ask me about what Joe Negron is smoking. When are you going write about all my endorsements?” –Matt Hudson

“Please don’t ask me about what Joe Negron is smoking. When are you going to write about all my endorsements?” –Kathleen Passidomo

“I’m launching a new group called Republicans against Trump.” –Rick Wilson

“I’m launching a new group called Democrats for Trump.” –Barnie Bishop III

“I’m launching a new group called Lauren Book for Governor.” –Ron Book

“When are you going to write about how I broke the law by transferring $369,000 from a state account into my federal PAC?” –Son of Don Gaetz

“When are you going to write about how dozens of Republicans are breaking the law by soliciting political funds for political committees without disclosing it?” –State campaign finance regulators

“When are you going to write about how state campaign finance regulators never enforce the law?” –Election law expert Bucky Mitchell

“Just a reminder, I’m still relevant because I’m only one heartbeat away from becoming governor.” –Carlos Lopez Cantera

“I’m only two heartbeats away.” –Pam Bondi

“I’m only three heartbeats away.” –Jeff Atwater

“I’m only one election cycle away.” –Presumptive Governor Adam Putnam

“Ha. Good one.” –Gwen Graham

*All real emails are highlighted in bright yellow. Names have been changed where necessary to protect political gossip-mongers.  Persons of consequence who wish to make up a fake email to attack their political enemies should send their fake emails to news@thecapitolist.com by Saturday evening for next Monday’s Mailbag post.